Tuesday, 10 June 2014

One Week's Life (Nine Days A Week)

Hello all,
Because of essays and general busyness, it’s been two weeks since I wrote a blog post. Usually, I just skip a week, but the events of the previous days were too interesting to just leave behind. So here I present to you a typical week in my new life, as I juggle friends, my boyfriend Finn, homework and general sickness. Also, the Beatles were one day off when they wrote ‘Eight Days A Week’. In actuality, there’s nine.

Friday 30th May

Finn, I and some of our friends are supposed to be attending a gay club. I get nervous and tell Finn that I can’t go. He pesters me until I go. I realise he’s the most wonderful boyfriend. Get to my friends’ house. He’s serving goon and I’m stuck drinking it, having not bought alcohol. Soon, I’m very drink and we haven’t even got to the club yet. Predictably, I vomit violently all over the guy’s bathroom. In front of Finn. Now, it’s not the first time he’s seen me vomit, but the first time I vomited in a bush, so it wasn’t a problem. This time he was stuck cleaning up my vomit as I attempted to recover. I feel so guilty, but Finn says he doesn’t mind. Yep, he’s a keeper. I’m put on limited alcohol rations for the rest of the night as my friends don’t want me vomiting at the club. Ha, vomit at the club. Sounds like some sort of rap song:
Vomit at the club,
Vomit at the club,
We don’t want you to,
Vomit at the club.
And then there’d be a drop and everyone’d dance. Wait, I said it was a rap song, not dubstep. Doesn’t matter cause we’re at the club.
   Finn and I dance together. Well, Finn dances while I just sort of flail my arms about as my legs remain firmly stuck to the floor. Still, it’s something of an improvement. At previous dances I’ve been to, I tended to jump around like an idiot. Finn tries to teach me how to move to the beat but I can’t and just end up enjoying myself. That was, however, until a woman in her mid-30s came up to me and said, “move your feet” and walked off. Don’t know whether to be thankful for the advice or annoyed that she made me look like an idiot. Don’t have time to think about cause look, there’s a trio of drag queens lip synching to a gay anthem. Never heard of it. #BadGay
  Actually, not too bad of a gay. Finn and I end up getting distracted while dancing and making out. Unusually for me, people don’t stare at us in a looking down way, they look at us and smile. It warms my little heart.
   We end up leaving the club and going home as one of my friends is vomiting. In bed, I’m worried I’m going to forget half the night (as I did last time I was drunk) and write this on my phone:
   The moment you realise you're dating the sexiest boy on the dance floor as he has his hand on your ass and his tongue in your mouth. There is that time you step back and realise that not so long ago you hated places like this cause of the same reason you now love them: you and your boyfriend are all that matter. You're not lonely and lost anymore cause there he is, making sure you can dance better, don't look like a complete idiot and makes sure you're feeling alright. And if you're not then he'll hold you till all that goes away It's like vomiting was a metaphor. He helped me clean up the mess, flushing it down the toilet and telling me that it didn't matter, that I should forget the pain and horrible taste in my mouth cause it won't laste forever. That is why I had a good night.
   I send it to Finn and fall asleep, with Tiesto’s ‘Red Lights’ running through my head. Wait, that sounds dirty. ‘Red Lights’ is a dance song that was playing at the club.

Saturday 31st May

I wake up late in the day with a bit of a headache. It’s not too bad. Remember I’ve got a friend’s birthday party that night. Procrastinate the whole day before double-checking the time with my friend. We’re meeting in the city at 5. I thought he said 5:30. It’s 4:30 at that moment. Throw on the same clothes I was wearing the previous night (Finn won’t be there, so he’ll never know) and rush out the door. Catch the 4.45 train into the city. Get bored and Google conspiracy theories of how all the Disney movies are linked. I think it’s a load of bollocks. Should’ve taken the book I had to read for Uni, but forget as I’d rushed out of the house so quickly. Fml.
   Get to the city and the friend’s dinner at 5.40. I apologise for being late and get a pizza. My friend introduces me to his new girlfriend. She seems really nice. I spend a fair amount of the dinner wondering why all my friends’ girlfriends seem to get along with me so quickly.
   We finish dinner (having left two pizza slices as I still am not eating properly) and my friend and associates go to do further things. I’m still tired from yesterday and apologise profusely before heading home.
   On the train, my phone dies, so I’m left trying not to look awkwardly at the family sitting in front of me. I want them to move. A seat frees up and they move. I get a bit sad, wondering why they moved.

Sunday 1st June

This is going to be a good day. Yesterday, I had organised that Finn and I were going to see Maleficent, my shout as he’d paid for me on Friday. He and I agree that it’s the best film we’ve seen all year. I controversially post on Facebook that I think it’s better than Frozen. Because it is. Maybe. I think. It’s done less well critically than Frozen has but I’ve always had a thing against critics. On a completely unrelated note, here’s my website, A Film To Remember, where I review films. As a critic. Never realised how hypocritical I was.
   Anyway, Finn and I get home late that night. What we were doing cannot be explained without revealing too personal details. What I can say is that I learnt that there are different types of sex shops; nice open ones that don’t make you feel guilty and horrible claustrophobic ones which make you feel as though you’ve walked into a porn dungeon.

Monday 2nd June

No Uni. It’s essay week. Because I’m never organised well enough to have completed them before this week, it always seems like some sort of battle. I almost expect it to have people commentating.
Right, Jim, we’re here for another exciting week of essay writing. Isn’t this always the best time of the year?
Oh, yes, Steve, it’s what we’re all here for, ‘cause the stakes are just so insurmountable.
That’s right. One week. Three essays. Two books to read. And a mountain of boring and dull readings. It almost seems an impossible and unbearable challenge.
Indeed, Jim, but it looks like our fierce competitor Dreaming David G.B. Watson, is making his first move. And what do you think that’ll be Steve?
Well, he’s got that Supernatural Lit one due Wednesday and he’s already read 30 pages of it, so I think he’ll read that first.
Ah, correct as always, Steve. And look, he’s reading it in record time, despite taking three pages of notes.
I always wonder though, Jim, why he bothers to take such thorough notes if he only uses three in his essays?
Just the way he’s been taught, Steve. And look, he’s finished it in less than two hours, what a stunning achievement. What will he do next?
I’m sure you’ll tell us, Jim.
Right again, Steve. He’s running to the library to get the readings, but it looks he’s come to a stumble. He can’t seem to find any relevant to his subject matter.
That is a serious hurdle, especially as the task requires four readings. It looks like he’s emailing the tutor now. She’s helpful, but it looks like some of the stress may be getting to our competitor. What will he do? Tune in tomorrow for an update on this terrible setback.

Tuesday 3rd June
Well hello again, viewers. Steve and I are back for another exciting day in Essay Week. Our competitor, David, was faced with a bit of a setback yesterday, wasn’t he Jim?
That’s correct, Steve, but it looks like he’s ignoring it and is plowing through those readings anyway. Ooh, he’s showing signs of exhaustion.
I think he’s showing signs of frustration, Jim. Look, that reading contains the line “the homosexual love object was originally chosen with a narcisstic attitude towards one’s own image.” That’s definitely going to rile up our competitor. How will he be able to find the motivation to get through this frustration?
I think I know how, Steve. It worked last time.
Indeed it did, Jim, and he has done it. He has called on Finn to motivate him.
David is lucky to have a motivator as strong as Jim, and it looks like he’s used the classic line of going to the films if he finishes the essay that day.
Such motivational prowess!
Indeed! Look at him go! Writing and writing, like someone possessed.
Ooh! It is thrilling to see isn’t it?
It is indeed. But look, there seems to be some sort of problem. David has just finished his piece but it’s 1200 words over the limit!
What a terrible setback! And it seems that even in the piece in its current form isn’t acceptable. How will he deal with this?
It looks he’s putting it off, Steve. He’s got that date with Finn remember?
And what are they seeing?
Bad Neighbours. A particularly amusing film and a welcome distraction. However, will he get this essay finished, or will he be forced into costly extra time? Tune in tomorrow to find out.

Wednesday 4th June

And welcome back. With one assignment due today and an aim to start the next, a script, David already appears to have started badly. What’s he done, Steve?
He’s slept in.
He’s slept in. It’s a terrible start but it’s getting worse. Look, he’s reading the essay but there’s nothing he can cut down. He keeps reading and reading but there’s no leeway there.
Don’t tell me he’s going to…
I think he has to, Jim. He has to cut it up. Decapitate, remove all the emotion and meaning, like a samurai cutting a person into bits.
Oh, Steve, I can’t watch. It’s too terrible.
Neither can I, Jim. I’m sorry viewers, but we’ll have to take a short break.
[TRANSMISSION OFFLINE]
And we’re back. But the tragedy weighs heavy on our and David’s mind. He’s finding the critical analysis difficult as he finds he cannot go into enough detail and reference all the readings. One of them seems particularly unwieldy, doesn’t it Jim?
It looks like he’ll have to do the unthinkable. He’ll just have to leave it out.
But he’ll fail. He needed to reference four readings. Without it, he only has three.
He has no other choice.
Look at him, so resigned as he walks to the library, handing in a butchered assignment destined to fail.
Maybe the markers will understand. He did email the tutor remember.
Only time will tell. On that depressing night, we will leave you for today.
 
Thursday 5th June

David has struggled so far this week, but it appears that today he’s managed to put most of that behind him.
Indeed, Steve. He’s writing a script. It’s not working very well, but he knows that the central idea is strong. It’s finished in good time.
Now, he’s back at the library searching for Seven Little Australians readings. They seem to be easier to come by and he leaves the library in a good mood.
Look, I think David faces another difficult decision. He still has most of Seven Little Australians to read but he wishes to watch a movie as a break.
But the essay is due tomorrow and once it’s finished, he’ll have the entire holidays to view it.
It looks like he’s following your logic, Steve.
And what a wise idea it was. The book’s finished, having moved David deeply and now he has more time to think about the central issues.
Yes. After a trying and difficult day yesterday, it looks like David’s back on track for tomorrow’s completion date.

Friday 6th June

And here it is, the day we’ve all been dreading. The day everything’s due. And it looks like David still has two assignments to complete.
Wisely, he’s started with the script as that requires a hardcopy submission and a trip to Uni. The script seems to cope better with re-writes than the Lit piece. I wonder why that is, Steve?
I’m not sure, but it definitely seems to be working. David’s crying at his own work. This is something he should be very proud of.
And now it’s finished, he can rush down to Uni, before returning home and doing the Children’s Lit assignment.
It looks it’s not going to be that easy though, Steve. Look he’s bumped into some friends.
That’s fine, Jim. He’s still got time.
Oh dear, the bus is filled with school kids and stops with every stop.
Well, that might be pushing it a bit, but he’s done essays in less time.
You’re right. He’s getting off the bus now and walking home. But, oh no, what’s this? He’s forgotten his mum wanted him to pick up some groceries.
Maybe he can get half the essay done.
Maybe… Oh the horror! He’s walking with this really heavy bag of groceries and is about halfway home when he remembers that the assignment is dual submission and he hasn’t uploaded it yet. He runs home, drops off the groceries and sprints back to the library, uploads the essay just in time and walks home again.
Oh dear. Well, that one will just have to be a day late.
He could do it in an hour before Finn comes over.
It’s rushing it and I don’t think he can afford to do a terrible piece.
Yes, I suppose that’s a point. Oh look, there’s Finn. And David’s smiling. We haven’t seen him do that since Tuesday.
They’re having to be a little secretive though, David’s parents and everything.
It’s okay, David and Finn are watching RuPaul’s Drag Race which his parents can’t stand, so his mum plays games on his laptop, while his dad does whatever he does. So they cuddle and Finn holds David in his arms. And everything feels so right. The stress of his week just melts away. And he’s never felt anything more perfect.


Saturday 7th June

Look, Steve, David’s finished that Children’s Lit essay. And it’s only a day late.
I never doubted him. But look at him, he’s running around, head banging to the metal songs he’s delayed listening to all week and dancing around the room. He’s so happy. Because it’s over. Because this time, there were no essays a week late. There were no terrible disasters, there was only a feeling of relief. That’s why we all secretly love essay week. Because it’s a challenge and its exhilarating and we all love to hate it.
Well said, Steve, but I think it would be good to hear from our competitor, David, whose efforts we have chronicled.

Thanks Jim and Steve. I don’t even know what that was. I don’t even know really what last week was. I know it was stressful and panicky and wonderful and weird and dancy, but I don’t know if I’ll remember it. It’s something I often wonder about. How much of what happens now will I remember in a years’ time, ten years, fifty years? But with friends like those I have and memories like the kinds I’m making now, I hope I remember every single second. May you all have wonderfully stressful weeks.
   Oh, and that’s the longest blog entry so far, almost 3000 words. Yep, me and word limits just don’t work.
   See you all next week.

Things I Learnt While Dating #6
To vomit in front of your boyfriend once may be regarded as misfortune; to do it twice looks like carelessness.

Friends’ Blogs
Lola (The Blogging Of An Aspiring Writer)
Holmes (Life, The Universe And EverythingAccording To A Writer)

The Playlist Of 28 May – 10 June
Duel Of The Fates [Darth Maul’s Theme] (John Williams)
Sirens (Cher Lloyd)
Raging Fire (Phillip Phillips)
Sweet Despair (Cher Lloyd)
Stay With Me (Sam Smith)
Goodnight (Cher Lloyd)
Human (Cher Lloyd)
Red Lights (Tiesto)
Fear Of The Dark (Iron Maiden)
Unholy Warcry (Rhapsody)
Phenomena (Claudio Simonnetti)
Valley (Bill Wyman)
Love Runs Out (OneRepublic)
Responsitrannity (RuPaul)
Sweet Disposition (The Temper Trap)
Cover Girl (RuPaul)

The Top 15 Films Of 28 May – 10 June
Maleficent
Silver Linings Playbook
Phenomena
Star Wars Episode III – Revenge Of The Sith
X2: X-Men United
Iron Man
Summertime
Bridesmaids
Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs
The Heat
The Incredible Hulk
Bad Neighbours
Star Wars Episode II – Attack Of The Clones
The Garden Of Words
The X From Outer Space
*This is the first time in seven weeks that I actually viewed 10 films in a week!

Thanks,
David Gumball-Watson

1 comment:

  1. Lol love what you did with Jim and Steve there. Glad you got all of your assignments done (and not too late)!

    I definitely missed you and Holmes and Molly this week without our classes and Monday couch sesh.

    Thanks for the entertaining blog post. Much love xox

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