Why are you saying that I’m a good person? In my head… I’m so tired of people telling me a good person, cause I’m not. It’s like if they could only see what was in my head.
That’s the beginning of one of my favourite songs called ‘Joshua’ by Simon Curtis. It’s a song of pure rage about a boy whose always told he’s so well-behaved and nice, but deep down, he knows he’s not and this all just comes out as pure rage. It’s the most brilliant song ever. It’s also a song I deeply relate to.
All my life I’ve been told that I was such a kind, quiet and pleasant individual, who for some reason brings out the protecting instinct in people. And this has always annoyed me. You know, there are those things that you’re told and it just annoys you and you’re not exactly sure why? Well, this is mine.
Part of me knows this is ridiculous, getting annoyed at people calling you nice, but then the other part of me just reacts with a general sort of rage. It’s a very deep rage that threatens to overwhelm you until you settle it down. It’s this rage that makes me think that I’m not such a good person.
The other day, I was walking home and I was getting sad for no reason. In the past, I would’ve just allowed this to fester into a full-blown depressive episode, but not now. I have a boyfriend and self-confidence, I didn’t need to feel like this now. No, I didn’t deserve to feel like this now. I thought we’d gotten over this. So, then I got angry at myself for feeling sad. And this wasn’t just angry; this was pure, unadulterated rage. It became so bad, that I had to walk around the block, as I was almost home and didn’t want to ruin walls. And this annoyed me and so my anger got worse. And then finally, when anger dissipates you’re just left feeling worse than before, which isn’t good.
So, why do I bring this up? Well, it’s to show that like all of you, I am human and don’t need to be protected. In actuality, I don’t think it’s people telling me that I’m a good person is what annoys me. What annoys me is when my friends go all protective over me. And it happens a lot. Somehow, I seem to bring that quality out in people. And this seems rather lovely and it is to a certain extent. What really frustrates me is when my friends do tell me deep and painful stuff about their lives (after I’ve pressed them no less) and I ask them why they didn’t tell me before, cause I could’ve helped, and they tell me that they were trying to protect me.
I don’t need to be protected. Okay, to the wider world it may seem so. I’m the skinniest, whitest kid you’ve ever seen. You all know I’m overly emotional, prone to deep sadness and insecurity, so I can see why my friends think that I may be somewhat weaker. And often I think this too. But there are moments where I really would rather not be protected.
Now, I think about it, I chose the name ‘Not A Sexy Vampire’ for a reason. Vampires are strong. They’re fierce and they’re full of rage. They don’t need anyone to protect them, because they can fight back themselves. That’s what I like to think I am. In actuality, I know that I’m not. ‘Cause here’s the real clincher.
I probably do need to be protected, particularly from the more painful things this world has to offer. When my friends do tell me painful stuff about the past, I do get emotional and end up relying more on their support than the other way round. And that’s wrong.
But if you have someone protecting you, it always feels like you have to keep certain things hidden. That desire to protect can cause inadvertently cause damage. Ever since I wrote the depressing post, several of my friends have come up to me and asked me why I didn’t tell them that I felt that way about myself. And the reason is because of their protection, I didn’t want to disappoint them. Because they cared so much about me, I didn’t want them to know that I literally hated myself, because it would hurt them. And maybe they would think they had failed in their attempts to protect me. It also makes it much harder to connect to people on a deeper level. If someone’s protecting you, it always puts them on a higher level than you. It’s like they’re your parents, not your friends.
Don’t get me wrong. I think it’s nice that my friends care enough about me to think that I need protecting, but I think it does more harm than good, because I feel like I don’t know them on that deeper level. I think that’s part of the reason why I always feel so insecure about my friendships, because logically if you’re trying to protect someone, then what happens when they don’t need that anymore? Will you remain friends?
This may just seem like trashing my friends, but I think this has changed slightly since I started dating Finn. Because of major changes in confidence, I have been able to open up more and talk about the deeper, darker sides of my personality (That seems to be part of the problem as well. Maybe I myself was too guarded to open myself up).
But some of my friends have been incredibly shocked by my ‘new’ personality. To me, it’s not ‘new’. I haven’t changed since dating Finn (apart from liking myself a bit more); I’ve only found the confidence to talk about things. And that’s making me a better person. Since dating Finn, my friendships have become more personal and deeper. And that can only be a good thing.
Wow, that was a bit of a rage on (and completely different to what I had planned to write. I had wanted to discuss why my writing was occasionally disturbing, but I think I might save that for later) and hugely personal, but I also think it was something I needed to say (particularly in the wake of the depressing post). So, yeah… And to any of my friends that may hate me now, I’m sorry. I’m going to end this post in the way it began, with the last line from ‘Joshua’.
This isn’t about you. It’s about me.
PS. Wait, I can't end this like this. This feels incredibly mean-spirited and I would like to personally apologise to all of my friends. I think you wanting to protect me is wonderful, I just sometimes get annoyed at myself for needing this protection. I think that is where this came from...
Things I Learnt While Dating #6The police knocking on the car window while you and your boyfriend are in a compromising position is a real mood killer.
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