First of all I should just let you know that this is a difficult thing for me to talk about, but I also know that it’s important to talk about and that if I don’t discuss it, then it’s not going to get better. But it’s going to hurt.
You see, I sometimes have these periods of absolute and complete sadness. But I suppose most people do. What makes mine so different is that they’re not caused by anything in particular. They just happen. Maybe they’ll be set off by the smallest of things, but the response I have is complete skewed.
This happened to me only last weekend, on Sunday. On Saturday night, I’d gone to a party and it was great fun, but there was the usual hook-ups and I was feeling a little lonely and depressed (which is what I usually do at parties and social occasions, by the way). And when you get really, truly lonely, you have the worst thoughts. Because in those moments, you really, really don’t like who you are, you’re filled with this absolute self-hatred and you have no idea why. In your head, you’ve got all these thoughts running around, like you’re a terrible person because you don’t contact your friends or you’re an ugly, skinny little person. And the comments you think about your physical appearance aren’t the ones that hurt. No, it’s the ones about your personality, about who you truly are that really, really hurt.
So, this party went til late at night, 1 in the morning and I was unable to get home, so I had to call home, where my parents were asleep. My mum had to get out of bed and drive to where I was and pick me up. And she was furious. The worst thing a parent can do is not talk to you, to just pretend you don’t exist. There’s just something so cruel on a primal level which I can’t explain. So, eventually, we got home and I fell asleep.
The next morning, my mum continued the whole silent treatment thing, ignoring everything I said. I then realised I had to walk down the street to print out some homework. I told them I was going and left. The walk there wasn’t a problem because I followed the road, but on the way back, I decided to go a different way. And I get lost, completely and utterly lost.
When you’re lost, you quickly become exhausted and frustrated and it’s not pleasant. All morning, I’d been teetering on the edge of falling back into a depressive spell, but I’d managed to contain it. And then, on this walk, I just fell into it. I listened to the saddest music I had on my phone and just let it take over me and I thought the most horrible, truthful things.
You don’t have a personality. You don’t have any interests. You take everyone else’s obsessions and craft them into yourself. You don’t even know who you are. You don’t even know what you want. You don’t know what you’re going to do with your future. You have no future. You think your writing is your future? Your writing is terrible. Your writing isn’t going to get any better. You’re wasting your time. You’re never going to find anyone. No-one would ever want you. You’re not attractive. You have nothing to offer. You have nothing to give. You are nothing. You have no gaydar. You’ve crushed on two straight boys. That’s all you’ll ever be, the guy who crushes on the straight kids. You can’t even talk to anyone. You’re stupid. You’re a caricature. Your man isn’t waiting for you. He doesn’t even want you. Your friends don’t like you, they’re humouring you. You are nothing.
… I’m sorry. I just need a minute to compose myself. Even now as I’m writing that, I’m just crying and breaking down. I just can’t do this. But I know I have to do something about this. Because I truly believe all of that. And that’s not healthy. In fact, it’s very, very dangerous.
On that walk, I was careless and almost hit by a car and I thought, well, I don’t care. And now, that hurts to think that.
Eventually, I’m able to get out of these depressive moods by burying it. And I don’t think it’s helping. It’s not getting better, it’s getting worse. And I’ve thought this stuff about myself for a long, long time. In year 12, it used to come to me as a separate voice. Now, it’s just become me. And I have just have to deal with it. Deal with feeling like I am nothing. That I have no worth. And I can’t do that anymore. I have to find a way to get better. Because it hurts. Because it really, really hurts.
I’m sorry. I can’t talk about this anymore. I just can’t.
P.S. I promise I’m not going to kill myself. It sounded a bit like that, reading it back. Sorry if anyone is burdened by this. That wasn’t my intention.
The Playlist Of 19 Mar - 1 AprFrom Here To The Moon And Back (Dolly Parton)
Everyone Is Gay (A Great Big World)
Sexercize (Kylie Minogue)
Waiting For Superman (Daughtry)
The Words (Christina Perri)
The Power Of Love (Gabrielle Aplin)
Fine (Kylie Minogue)
Burn With You (Lea Michele)
The Top 10 Films Of 19 Mar - 1 AprLa Belle Et La Bete
The Seventh Seal
The 400 Blows
Toy Story 2
Escape From New York