Tuesday, 4 March 2014

With A Little Fail From My Awkward

Hello all,
This week, after much to-ing and fro-ing, I had a haircut. For the last few months, I’ve been growing it out. It began because I had an 80s dance party coming up in July and decided that in order to fit in, it should be as long as possible. Then the party came and went and I just neglected to cut it off. I just let it grow, more out of laziness than anything else. It got so long that it reached down to the base of my neck and I could obscure my whole face with it at the front.
   I’d been tossing up whether to get rid of it all for a few months now. During the week of 40 degree days Australia experienced earlier this year, I almost grabbed a pair of scissors and cut it off myself. I decided that this wouldn’t be the best idea and that I was going to wait until a week before Uni before changing my hairstyle.
  So, last weekend was the last before Uni starts up again and I get to see all my friends and I go down to the hairdresser and ask for my haircut. I, being the clever person that I am, had already decided on how I wanted it to look. For a fair while now, I’ve wanted Nickalaws’ hair (from the youtubers Lush, pictured to the right with his boyfriend Matt with the rainbow hair) and to make matters even easier he even uploaded a tutorial on how to get his hair. This was the hairstyle I wanted. Mum advised me that I should take a picture in, but I forgot and decided to just explain it to the hairdresser. I wanted it quite short around the edges and longer at the front and he said that this would be fine.
   As I sat in the chair, I remembered how much I hated getting my hair cut. First there’s the fact that you have to look at yourself in the mirror which was an unpleasant experience as my body image post a few weeks ago explained. Even if I didn’t have horrid body image, what do the hairdressers expect you to do? Are you supposed to look at your face? To look at theirs as they cut your hair off? Then, he asked me how long I’d been growing it and I said a few months and that was the end of that conversation. I hate it when they try and start a conversation with you because I’m usually so awkward that I can barely answer anyway. However, the awkwardness was far from over.
   Looking at my hair, I was horrified because around the edges it was straight and covering my eyes. It looked like a glorified bowl cut and nothing like the hairstyle I so craved. I realised I needed to do something fast. I suddenly remembered that I’d noticed in the videos that it was clippered slightly around the ears. I knew I had to ask him. Suddenly, I was filled with fear.
   This happens to me a LOT. I suddenly realise something quite important or have something to contribute to a discussion and I get ridiculously horribly nervous. It’s the single worst thing you can imagine. Even thinking about it now is making me a bit tense. Usually, I end up just shutting my mouth and spending the rest of the day regretting it. However, this time I decided I wasn’t going to do that. Because it wasn’t just about having an awful haircut. My long hair phase had led to me being confused for a girl numerous times by shopkeepers (most don’t even notice. One did and apologised. I loved her for that). I was getting a bit sick of that. Then, there was the ridiculous and stupid thought that my future boyfriend might not find me attractive (or even find me) with this bowl cut of a hairstyle (the reason he hasn’t found me before was because he thought I was a girl. I know that’s wrong but in the dark and lonely nights when I watch romcoms that’s how I comfort myself). And I was so angry at myself for allowing my awkwardness and social ineptitude to ruin the rest of my day and my life for the next few months. Mustering all my courage, I explained in a timid voice that I just remembered I usually have the clippers on the edges of my hair. The hairdresser looked flustered for a moment before asking me why I hadn’t told him at the start. I was quite confused. Surely this was only a small thing that didn’t really matter. He hadn’t really been working that hard on the sides. I apologised before he pulled out the clippers…
   And proceeded to shave off most of the hair off the sides of my head. As I watched it all fall to the floor, it was like watching my dreams fall with it. There goes that beautiful hairstyle. There goes my dreamy Stiles-mixed-with-Darren-Criss-with-a-hint-of-Alexander-Rybak-and-Eric-Saade future boyfriend. I could almost hear epic classical music. It was such an oddly cinematic experience that, and I kid you not, I began to feel quite moved and get a bit teary eyed.
   You have no idea how embarrassing it is to randomly start tearing up as the hairdresser cuts all your hair off. I began to hit panic stations. What if I started crying in the middle of this haircut? Would the hairdresser stop? How would everyone else react? They’re going to think I’m the world’s biggest cry baby. I realised I needed to calm myself. It wasn’t a disaster yet. I still had a bit of hair at the front which was long enough to be worked in such a way that it looked like Nick’s. It was fine.
   Seconds later, he reached the front of my hair and cut most of that off to. Sometimes in comedy anime, you’ll see this one character frustrated over one thing before it escalates and they start suddenly screaming and yelling and their eyes go wide and it looks like their head might explode at any moment. And I laugh at this moments because they’re so over the top. Now, I realise where they’re coming from. I sat there, numb and in shock. It felt like the world was over.
   Worse was yet to come. He asked me if I wanted gel. Hoping that he was finally going to listen to my one wish and style it up, I meekly agreed. Using the gel, he combed it to the sides, keeping my part immensely visible. So, what I ended up looking like was a guy from the 50s with immaculately combed hair who someone had attacked the sides with a razor. Then, he pulls out the mirror and shows me his handiwork. And he looks so pleased with himself, that I just force a smile and he smiles back. Internally, I’m dead.
   I picked up my bag (which was by my feet, so naturally covered with hair) and paid and left as quickly as possible. I couldn’t stop touching my hair for the rest of the day. It’s horrible and embarrassing and I hate it. Later, I asked my mum what she would’ve done in the same situation and she apparently would’ve told him to stop. By the time I noticed anything was wrong, one half of my hair was already gone. I would’ve looked worse, although I’m not entirely sure that’s possible.
   I’m also not sure what the message of this post is. Don’t try and copy celebrities hair, or if you do make sure you bring a picture in. I learnt that if I was strong and stopped being so awkward, then I get a big old fail at life. I hope you enjoyed this short snapshot of my ability to just be stunningly socially inept. I suppose I did get one thing out of this, though. I got a funny story to add to my vast archives. I could’ve gone without that.
   Two last things. First, on Friday will be a new regular feature, Fright Night Fridays, where I’ll be reviewing horror movies (like a weekly Halloween 13). The first movie I’ve planned to watch is last year’s The Conjuring which promises to be terrifying. Join me on Friday to find out just how much I tortured myself. And the last thing, you should’ve noticed by now that the blog title and address have changed. Formally A Beautiful Nightmare (with the url u1272.blogspot.com) in reference to the novel I’m writing, it’s now Not A Sexy Vampire to reflect that this is now more of a personal blog. The meaning of the title? Well, it’s been said I resemble a Vampire with my pale white skin, two teeth that stick out like the bloodsuckers’ and the fact that I’m occasionally a teensy bit creepy (my stories are filled with violent and twisted death which I will explain to anyone who asks). I’ve heard it said that Vampires are sexy and, as you know, I don’t think I am. So, there you go. Hope you like the changes around here! See you next week.

The Playlist Of 26 Feb – 4 Mar
Tether (CHVRCHES)
Do It All Over Again (Elyar Fox)
I Believe (Christina Perri)
Goldfinger (Shirley Bassey)
Human (Christina Perri)
Wild Wild Love (Pitbull, G.R.L.)
The Mother We Share (CHVRCHES)
Battlefield (Lea Michele)
 
The Top 10 Films Of 26 Feb – 4 Mar
Fargo
Beautiful Thing
Wolf Children
Flesh
Kind Hearts And Coronets
North By Northwest
Django Unchained
The Extraordinary Adventures Of Adele Blanc-Sec
Julia’s Eyes
Mulligans

Thanks,
James

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