A short disclaimer before I get into the post proper. I’m writing this just after I finished the Red Wedding episode of Game Of Thrones, so I’m sort of in shock. I thought it would be a great idea to write this now, so I’d give myself some time to recover, but I’m starting to think it wasn’t one of my best ideas…
So, anyway, what I wanted to discuss this week is how so many people are attractive and how to a single man this is both wonderful and frustrating. It usually happens when you’re incredibly bored and your mind is starting to wander when suddenly this incredibly attractive person walks into your life for just a few moments. And because I’m too chicken to actually talk to them, I just end up sitting there, admiring their attractiveness from a distance. That is fairly acceptable and I’m sure many of us do it, but I doubt that anyone else does this; as I sit there, I come up with their personality and create an entire relationship between the two of us. I come up with where he’d take me on a first date, what shows we’d watch together and… other things. It’s one of the more awkward and embarrassing things I do, but part of me likes to think that it’s a creative writing exercise. The other part of me knows I’m just trying to comfort myself, trying to ignore my own lack of boyfriend loneliness.
I have never had a boyfriend that lasted over a week (I’ve seen two guys for about a week each, but both ended up badly and awkwardly. I would tell you that story because it’s actually quite amusing, but they still follow me on Facebook) and often I get this aching sense of wanting a boyfriend, someone to watch those scary movies with. What’s worse is watching a comedy by yourself, though. You laugh out loud and become acutely aware of the silence around you. It becomes quite a depressing experience, to be honest. There’s also those times when you really need someone to talk to, somewhere to escape to when your own life gets a bit insane. To some people, this would be a partner. For me, it’s a fantasy.
In year 12, I had this crush on this guy and that was fine. And then my entire family life imploded and I became so depressed and alone and the crush on this guy was just getting worse and worse. I thought I was going to explode before I came up with the solution. This is the most embarrassing and painful thing I’ve ever done, but here we go. I fictionalised my life, turning the guy I had a crush on into my boyfriend who would comfort me when my family became too complicated and insane to deal with. Every night, I would sit down to my laptop and explain the events of that day with added boyfriend. Of course, he wasn’t just my counsellor. He had his own family troubles and the two of us would comfort each other as we struggled to deal with difficult situations. Also, there were musical numbers.
This worked just fine. In fact, I think it was the only reason I didn’t go insane or do something stupid I wouldn’t later have a chance to regret. So, basically it was my saviour. Until the end of the year came and I had to say goodbye to the guy I had a crush on. I knew that he wasn’t my actual boyfriend, we hadn’t just spent a year dating and being strong for one another. But that didn’t make saying goodbye to him any easier. Part of me thinks that I was transferring my emotions at leaving the school onto him, which is what made it so hard. I bottled up all these emotions, until I watched the Glee episode where every couple broke up and I just broke down.
I was so depressed until I started Uni again and even then the story of me and this guy continued. It was a good story with some great character development and I wasn’t going to give up on it just yet. Thus, the pain continued, until about halfway through the year when I just had to let that story go. I had to accept goodbye. I still write that story sometimes, but it doesn’t feel as personal now. It just feels like this story I’ve worked on for three years.
So I have quite a history of creating relationships on the smallest of glances and gestures. None of the guys I’ve found attractive have had that kind of relationship depth, but still I do it to some extent. And this can’t be healthy. Sometimes, however, it can be. When you’re feeling a bit down and you see this really attractive person smile (not necessarily at you but it helps) you just feel so much better. Then there are those other times when you look at them and you get a bit depressed because they’re not with you and you are alone. It’s all very confusing.
Most of these fictionalised relationships I forget quite quickly (or apply them to other characters in my novel), but there are a few I can recall. There was Lollipop Boy who sparked a huge awakening within me, as I continued to see him every so often. Now, of course, he’s started at Deakin Uni where I see him and lose all track of my conversation. There’s the guy at the Jam Donut stand who always smiles at me and I swoon. Then, there was this guy on Friday who said that my Doctor Who jacket was cool (I’d spent the last five minutes trying not to stare at him).
I don’t really know what to take from this blog. Being lonely sucks? I really need to find a boyfriend? Actually, on that last one, a few of my Uni friends are trying to find me one before we graduate at the end of next year. I think they have a better chance of turning me into a muscular, fit and attractive person (ie; it will never happen) but I’ll have faith in them. With this post, though, I’ll just put with those moments of intense embarrassment, a funny story to tell later in life with my future boyfriend who just happens to resemble my biggest celebrity crushes, Alexander Rybak (pictured at the top) and Eric Saade (pictured to the side). If not, well I suppose I can just make him up.
A couple of last things. I’ve started a website, A Film To Remember, where I’ll be reviewing classic and important films. I decided to make it a separate one from this because otherwise this would just become a reviews blog and that’s not really what I want. With regards to what I discussed last week, I managed to change my Children’s Lit class to one where I have friends. I had that class on Monday and it was amazing. I’d just like to thank you all for giving me the confidence to move classes. I wouldn’t have done it otherwise. Oh, and this week’s Fright Night Friday will not be Leprechaun 2 (because the first movie was godawful and I need to watch something good), it’ll be a John Carpenter film which I’ve wanted to see for some time, so I’m looking forward to that.
Now, I have to go. I’m going to go die of Red Wedding inspired shock.
The Playlist Of 12 Mar – 18 Mar
Burning Gold (Christina Perri)
Our Time (Lily Allen)
O Vertigo (Kate Miller-Heidke)
Cell Block Tango (from Chicago)
Heaven Knows (The Pretty Reckless)
Wig In A Box (from Hedwig And The Angry Inch)
The Top 10 Films Of 12 Mar – 18 Mar
Hedwig And The Angry Inch*
La Grande Illusion
Despicable Me 2
*My 600th film, which makes 120 films so far this year!